The Ashe Can

Who Smart Watches the… Nevermind, that’s a really terrible joke — June 21, 2015

Who Smart Watches the… Nevermind, that’s a really terrible joke

One thing that I haven’t spent a lot of time talking about in my writing career (outside of a few short pieces here and there) is how much I enjoy technology and gadgets and shit like that.

There’s something about electronic bits and bobs that wakes up my nascent inner engineer. I start thinking of ways I could cobble them into my workflows and make my life easier. It rarely actually works out that way. I went through three tablets before I finally figured out that I absolutely have no use for them other than occasionally reading books. (Weirdly, I don’t find reading on an actual ebook reader enjoyable, only tablets.)

But one purchase I’ve been exceptionally happy with is the smart watch I got for Christmas in 2013. I bought a Pebble and it’s been a major difference in my work and leisure. (Please imagine that I said leisure in the British way, but with a shitty French accent, because I did that in my head.)

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Coming back — June 15, 2015
— February 27, 2015
Hey there. Just finished reading the real psychopaths article on cracked. I think you mixed the girls names up, Josefine called the cops, not Agnes. No offense intended, the article was really creepy and scary, but entertaining. Huh, maybe I should think about that… — January 16, 2015
Are you the slowest typist ever? Also what kind of computer is that? — January 11, 2015

Are you the slowest typist ever? Also what kind of computer is that?

No, I type at a normal speed. I was holding my phone in one hand because I didn’t really think it through before I started playing the game. Do you know how hard it is to find a female in that game quickly? Most of them are random encounters.

My computer is an Acer C720 Chromebook.

Edit: This is in reference to this video. Also for the record, the weird noise is my cat snoring.

Santa Vs. The Doctor — December 24, 2014

Santa Vs. The Doctor

A bit of background: I’m participating in a Secret Santa thing with fellow writers from Cracked.com’s writer’s workshop. My victim recipient was a person I don’t really know, but she likes Doctor Who. I know almost nothing about Doctor Who. So I wrote this.

——————

“Look!” said The Doctor’s latest companion, yet another white British lady, “It’s Santa!”

“Santa? That son of a bitch,” said The Doctor.

Gently setting the TARDIS down into a snowbank, he emerged and confronted Kris Kringle, the fat red bastard.

“Travelling around the world in one night. Infinite space for toys. That’s no normal sleigh. You stole that technology from my people.”

“Ho ho ho! Eat a dick, you endangered asshole. I have a job to do and every year you get in my way. This time, it ends.” Santa pulled a katana from its sheath behind his back.

“Let this be our final battle,” The Doctor agreed. He reached for his sonic screwdriver.

They charged at each other, feet pounding the hard packed snow. The raised their weapons overhead and let fly a massive battle cry that shook frost from the trees.

Santa swung first, bringing down the katana in a wide arc. Santa was fat and slow. The Doctor dodged it easily, kicking him to knock him off balance. Santa’s ass sent up a puff of snow as it hit the ground. The katana flew from his grip and The Doctor kicked it out of his reach.

“You will return the technology you stole from the Time Lords.”

“Never.”

“Then you will die.”

“Do you know what’s happening on your planet right now? The elves. They know when I’m in danger. And they retaliate.”

“You’re lying!”

“No, Doctor. You’ve been very naughty this year.”

The Doctor snapped up Santa’s katana and held it to his neck, immediately drawing blood.

“Stop,” a voice rang out from the trees. “He’s mine.”

“Krampus?” Santa said, weakly. “I always knew it would end this way.”

Krampus stepped out of the trees. His cloven hooves made goat-like footprints in the snow. “Go, Time Lord. I will end this. For the both of us.” He drew an enormous broadsword from its sheath.

The Doctor threw the katana down. “Damn it. Fine. Make it right by me and my people.” He sprinted back to the TARDIS and started it up. “… Did you just beat the shit out of Santa?” White British Lady asked.

Santa got up on one knee. “Krampus,” he said, “Is this really how you wish to end it?”

“Of course not. Pick up your sword. We will settle this in the old way.”

Santa reached for his katana. Krampus took a step back, but it wasn’t enough. Santa lunged forward with his sword, piercing Krampus’s belly.

“You… coward.” Krampus fell to his knees. Santa stood to his full height. He pulled his katana over his shoulder… and let it fly. Krampus’s head bounced twice in the snow and stopped, pooling blood into the white beneath it.

Santa, panting heavily, walked to his sleigh, returning his katana to its home.

“Gallifrey. Take me to Gallifrey,” he said between breaths.


THE END?

— October 13, 2014
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